I lost someone and I don't know how to keep going

Someone I was really close to died a few months ago. It was sudden and I wasn't prepared for it at all. The hardest part wasn't even the loss itself. It was watching everyone around me slowly go back to normal. Not because they didn't care. I know they did. They just had their own lives to get back to and grief doesn't pause the world. My friends still made plans, still laughed at things, still talked about normal stuff. And I kept showing up because I didn't want to be the person who couldn't hold it together. I got really good at acting fine. I'm still doing it. I'm just exhausted from it. I started thinking about how much energy I was spending every single day just performing okay. I also thought about why I felt like I couldn't just admit I was still struggling. Part of it was not wanting to make my friends feel awkward or guilty for moving on. They weren't doing anything wrong. I just felt left behind and didn't know how to say that without it sounding like an accusation. I realized the timeline I'd been holding myself to wasn't real. Nobody actually told me I should be over it by now. I'd just watched everyone else keep going and decided that meant I was supposed to as well. But my friends moving forward with their lives didn't mean I had to be done grieving. Those were two separate things and I'd been confusing them. Talking it through helped me realize I'd been putting so much pressure on myself to be further along than I was. Like grief had a deadline I was failing to meet. We agreed the best next step was the smallest version of letting someone in. Not a big conversation, not explaining everything. Just telling one person I trusted that I was still having a hard time and that I didn't need them to fix anything, I just needed them to know. That felt like something I could actually do. I wasn't trying to resolve anything. I just didn't want to keep pretending to be fine to everyone around me.